Everything Wrong with “Nine Lives”

nine-livesNine Lives is directed by Barry Sonnenfeld and stars Kevin Spacey, Jennifer Garner, Robbie Amell, and Christopher Walken. The movie is about a wealthy businessman who turns into a cat after being put in a coma.

The trailer for this movie might be one of the worst trailers I’ve ever seen, but hey, there are two Academy Award-winning actors in here, how bad could it be?

The Good

There’re a few chuckles here and there, mostly coming from Christopher Walken’s character. Jennifer Garner probably has the best performance in the movie, as she isn’t a complete cartoon character of a human being. I also thought there is some potential shown at points of this movie for a semi-decent story that is worth telling.

The Bad

However, this potential does not ever turn into anything, as I constantly had to remind myself that this is a real movie made by real people. I legitimately have no idea why this thing exists, because all three of the main actors certainly can do better than this.

Kevin Spacey is the one who goes full cat, and I have never heard a voice performance so dull and lifeless in my entire life. Spacey feels as if he’s falling asleep behind the microphone, and his entire voice performance consists of repetitive one-liners and forced emotion, both of which rarely worked.

This may be a kids’ movie, but this movie does not know who its audience is. There are numerous jokes involving alcohol, sex, and even a mass-shooting joke thrown into this film, all things that children probably should not be seeing. Along with this, there are numerous pointless business meetings that drag this film out beyond belief, all of which are incredibly tedious to me, so I cannot imagine what a child would think of them.

The comedy in this movie is pretty much terrible all the way through. Like I said there was the occasional chuckle here and there, but for the most part, it is just the same joke over and over and over again, and it wasn’t even that funny to start with. By the time this movie was over, it had felt like a two-hour grind, so the fact that this is only an 87-minute movie absolutely blows my mind.

All of this could be expected really, I mean this is just a harmless movie for stupid kids after all, but when you put a decent director and an all-star cast into a movie like this, it makes me have false hope. Watching Kevin Spacey, Christopher Walken, and Jennifer Garner suffer through a movie like this one, it is truly horrible to watch. While they may be the bright spot of the movie, that’s like saying there the least smelly part of a pile of feces.

The first half of the movie is much better than the second because by the midway point this film just turns overly sentimental and lacks any real comedy at all. Even further, the end of the movie is beyond stupid, with all common sense being thrown out the window and any small glimmer of potential quickly destroyed.

Oh yeah, f*ck Cheryl Hines and Talitha Bateman’s characters: they are mean, annoying, and simply awful to watch every time they’re on screen.

Conclusion

Nine Lives isn’t good, but did you really think it was going to be? I laughed a handful of times, but there is no reason to have such a loaded cast in a movie whose best joke comes from a cat taking a dump in a purse. The comedy is stale, the storyline does not match its audience, and I do not recommend putting your child through the agony of this movie.badge-2

Get tickets and showtimes for Nine Lives here

What did you think of Nine Lives? Comment below with what you thought.


One thought on “Everything Wrong with “Nine Lives”

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