“Transformers: The Last Knight”: An Atomic Bomb of Awful

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WARNING: This review may contain more swearing than normal.  This is not a movie I want to mince words on, as it deserves all the rage that I am about to throw on it.

“Transformers: The Last Knight” is directed by our Lord and Savior, Michael Bay, and stars Mark Wahlberg, Anthony Hopkins, Josh Duhamel (Du-Mel), Laura Haddock, Isabela Moner, and Jerrod Carmichael.  This film is (loosely) about Optimus Prime leaving Earth in order to save his own planet and Mark Wahlberg and his funky bunch trying to find this staff thing that could destroy both of our planets if put into the wrong hands.

I was not excited to see this movie, clearly, as while the original “Transformers” was pretty good and “Dark of the Moon” was watchable, both “Revenge of the Fallen” and “Age of Extinction” are completely unbearable from start to finish.  So, I tried coming in with rock bottom expectations simply hoping for even a slight improvement from the last one.

The Good

The visual effects. 

A scene or two of cool action. 

Mark Wahlberg is serviceable in the lead role.

The Bad

Literally everything else.  This movie is a train wreck almost from beginning to end, with very little stopping Michael Bay from causing full blown brain damage to every single person in the fucking theater.

Alright, so let’s get down to some specifics.  For starters, everyone but Mark Wahlberg, and on rare occasion Anthony Hopkins, is completely terrible and almost entirely useless.  Josh Duhamel, and the entire US military while we are at it, is simply in the way and adds absolutely nothing to the plot as a whole.  Duhamel does his best mean stares and occasional looks into the sunset, but besides that, he is once again just a generic military dude with no purpose of being back in this franchise aside from a crisp paycheck.

Laura Haddock is a little better than two of the previous three hot supporting actresses, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley being the best, but she is still used almost purely for eye candy.  Michael Bay even has the audacity to give her credentials such as being an Oxford professor and he still shits over all of that and has her using none of that supposed intelligence in a single moment of this movie.  Isabela Moner is the annoying little girl from the trailers who is made even more annoying once you see the movie, as she is also just in the way of the semi-decent action.  Jerrod Carmichael is probably my least favorite performance of the entire movie, though, as not one bit of his supposed “comedy” lands with any traction, as he is more there for me to cringe at in agony at his poor soul being sucked out of him by this movie.

Alright, so what if the humans suck, we come for the Transformers, right?  Well don’t you worry, they suck too.  Optimus Prime does his typical bullshit where he is completely useless for 75 percent of the movie, then shows up and acts like he’s the fucking messiah, when in fact he adds so little to the story that it’s almost embarrassing that we even root for the guy so much.  Also, you know that plot point in the trailers where Optimus is a bad guy?  Pretty much the Dinobots of this movie, as it is only relevant for a few minutes tops.  Also competing for most overrated Transformer is Bumblebee.  This dude’s voice not working got old four movies ago, but no one told Michael Bay that, because there are still dozens of garbage jokes thrown in with the radio voice, and they fall flat on their fucking face every fucking time.

Let’s get to the story, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.  Even beginning to try to put this completely ridiculous and convoluted story together would cause me to go into cardiac arrest, as there is not a good plot point to be found.  The final act is just one big cluster fuck of nonsense that legitimately gave me a headache while watching, and the first two acts aren’t quite gems, either.  Weird throwaway scenes, overcomplicating things that shouldn’t be explained while also never explaining things that really need to be all add up to one of the worst plots in a movie you will see this year.

Okay, now to the comedy, something that Michael Bay has always been known for in his films! Just kidding, it’s fucking awful, maybe the worst Bay has ever delivered in his filmography.  Not one joke of the hundreds attempted in this obscenely long film lands, and, more than anything, these weak ass jokes take away from anything cool or dramatic that could actually be happening in any scene throughout the movie. Writers Art Marcum and Matt Holloway should be ashamed of this final product, as there is no way that any two people on this Earth are this out of touch with what people think is funny.

Have I said the movie is way too fucking long? The movie is way too fucking long.  Maybe not “Age of Extinction” long, but Mikey, you need to get a fucking editing team, my guy.  There are so many scenes and so many storylines that should be left on the cutting room floor completely, and they somehow all make it into this two-and-a-half-hour abomination to cinema, and it creates a plot that is incomprehensible by the end credits.

What hurts the most is just how much Michael Bay doesn’t learn, or, at least doesn’t care to learn about what everyone is telling him to fix about these movies after every recurring sequel.  Make the runtime shorter, stick to the big action set pieces, stop creating the worst comedy on the face of the Earth, make better characters, make a story that’s simple, stop doing the damn relic thing that saves the world.  These are such FIXABLE THINGS, and Bay just decides to piss all over us while giving us the bird because he doesn’t give a fuck about the audience, he just gives a fuck about the box office receipts.

Conclusion

“Transformers: The Last Knight” does the impossible and manages to be the worst film in the Transformers franchise to date, but that’s not all: I think it manages to be one of the worst action films of all-time in the process.  Mark Wahlberg isn’t the problem, but he also isn’t much of the solution either, and even with some cool effects there are just so many things wrong with characters, story, writing, cohesion, pacing, and runtime that I just can’t overlook.  I get it, a lot of people go to these movies just for the action, but even a ton of the action scenes here are confusing and headache-inducing to watch, as I have no idea who the hell is fighting who, specifically in the final moments.  This is an unintentionally hysterical movie at times, and also dreadfully boring in others, and even with the visuals, I cannot bring myself to giving “Transformers: The Last Knight” anything but my lowest score.

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Don’t give Michael Bay your money. Find the trailer and Fandango link somewhere else.


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