“The Snowman” Will Bore You to Death

The Snowman“The Snowman” is directed by Tomas Alfredson and stars Michael Fassbender, Rebecca Ferguson, J.K. Simmons, and Val Kilmer.  The film is based on the novel by Jo Nesbø and is about an alcoholic detective who takes on a case involving the disappearance of several women, all of which have an ominous snowman at the crime scene.

This had been a film that I was excited for, as its premise, source material, cast, and director all seemed very strong. I was indifferent about the trailers, but then I heard about the critical reception, and it certainly wasn’t looking good.  Still, I came in really hoping to like this film, as I am a huge fan of Fassbender and Simmons, and the concept seemed to have a load of potential.

The Good

Michael Fassbender gives it his all in this movie and has a good performance regardless of everything happening around it.  The same goes for Rebecca Ferguson and J.K. Simmons, who are solid in supporting roles, but it is Fassbender who manages to rise above everything and still give a very good performance amongst a lot of crap around him.the 

This is a very well-shot film, as there are a lot of lovely landscape shots and many wide-angle scenes that got my attention, and cinematographer Dion Beebe deserves a lot of credit for making this movie, at the least, visually intriguing when it often is not intriguing in any other form.

The Bad

As you probably could already tell, “The Snowman” was a brutal disappointment in almost every way and the main reason why is because of how dreadfully boring it is.  This movie makes “Geostorm” feel like “Captain America: Civil War” when it comes to entertainment, as this was truly one of the dullest, most painfully dry movie experiences I have sat through in my entire life.  This film drags along for nearly the entire runtime, and there is never anything that feels all that interesting whatsoever, and it was a total snooze to sit through.

Aside from this movie being brutally dull, the plot is rather nonsensical, and never comes together as much as Tomas Alfredson wants it to.  The movie takes so damn long to even try to become interesting that, after a while, it just becomes taxing to watch Fassbender and Ferguson run in circles for an hour and a half attempting to find any real clues to who is this mysterious killer.  Eventually, once it is discovered who the antagonist is, the reveal is stupid, and it leaves an infinite number of questions as to why and how multiple events happened earlier in the story.

There aren’t all that many things wrong with this movie when it comes to specifics, but it is just SO boring, that it sucks years out of your lifespan, so I will continue to say more negative things about it.  The 119-minute runtime could easily be cut to a crisp 80 or 90 minutes if Alfredson cut all the bullshit where nothing happens to further the plot.  Actually, while we’re at it, if we are cutting boring bullshit, this could easily have been a ten-minute short film on putting dead heads on snowmen, so I’ll revoke my point and just say that this movie should never have been made, at least not like this.  Jo Nesbø, I mean you no offense, I am sure your best-selling novel was written and paced better than this turd, but WOW is this film a pain in the ass to sit through.

Conclusion

“The Snowman” is well-acted and a visual treat, but nothing can help how torturous of a film experience it is.  There are plot holes aplenty and the plot twists don’t work at all, to say the least, but even the most well-written, cohesive plot could never save the horrific abomination of pacing and lack of intrigue this movie has for almost an entire two hours.  Is “The Snowman” the worst movie of the year?  Probably not.  Is it one of the most monotonous, unimaginative, uneventful, tedious, dull, mind-numbing, hum-drum, lackluster disappointments of 2017?  You bet it is.

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Get tickets and showtimes for “The Snowman” here, or don’t, take a two-hour nap at home instead.

What did you think of “The Snowman”?  Did it put you to sleep? Comment below with your thoughts.


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