Before getting into the best of the best of what 2017 had to offer, we have to vent a little and talk about the worst of the worst. There are definitely some movies that really, really sucked, and this is the list to talk about them. So, here are my choices for the 10 worst movies from last year.
“47 Meters Down”
“Geostorm” making the bottom 10 may be the most non-surprising moment of the year, but that doesn’t make the movie any less awful. Gerard Butler continues to have the worst agent in the world, and this movie never knows whether it should be taken seriously or not, leaving large chunks of time without any real fun or destruction to be had. Oh yeah, the movie rips off “iCarly” too, what a time to be alive.
9.) “Fifty Shades Darker”
Yeah, the sequel makes the list too. The helicopter scene deserves its own place on the list, but even besides that, these characters still have no chemistry whatsoever, the romance is forced and uninteresting, and the storyline is a complete and utter mess. I cannot wait to get this trilogy over with next month, as they have offered me nothing but pain and misery. Every time I leave the theater, the true awfulness of these films don’t hit me until a few days later, but the charade is up, and I have fully given up on any hope these movies could be good, so “Fifty Shades Freed,” bring it on.
8.) “The Bye Bye Man”
If I was being honest, “The Bye Bye Man” is probably worse than No. 8, however, the pure comedy that comes out of how serious this movie was made allowed for some of the biggest laughs I had in a theater all year. The premise is hysterically dumb, the deaths are foolish and lack any suspense, and the villain doesn’t look menacing, he just looks like a goofball in a robe. This is an atrocity of a film, but it was fun to watch, so I can’t in good consciousness put it any higher in the list.
7.) “Father Figures”
I mean, what the hell? What the hell is this thing? Ed Helms and Owen Wilson combine to make… a really terrible drama? This comedy-drama mix with no strong humor and ridiculously cheesy dramatic elements didn’t mesh well, at all, and it left a really horrible taste in my mouth leaving the theater, especially after the twist. This turd is nearly two hours long, and has two relatively strong comedic actors forced into an awkward brother duo that doesn’t work, and, as one of the last movies I saw this year, it still haunts me to this day.
Basically a tie for No. 5 between two truly terrible horror movies, the (very) slightly better one is this crap hole of awfulness based on a film from the ‘90s. The actors are way more talented than they show in this thing, but the main flaw this movie has is just how boring and repetitive it is. Nothing of note happens for a good hour, as scary hallucinations can only take you so far, and the thrills in this movie are barely enough to maintain a pulse.
5.) “Wish Upon”
Ding ding ding!!!! The winner of the tiebreaker is this movie that no one but me remembers. “Wish Upon,” that stupid movie about a girl who finds a box and gets her wishes granted, is AWFUL, and it’s mostly because of the totally unlikable protagonist. You can wish for anything, literally anything, and you already have proven that it works, so you wish to be popular? This film, along with saying “screw world peace and cancer victims,” gives a big middle finger to the audience, and the results are brutally not scary to the point of being downright laughable.
4.) “The Snowman”
“The Snowzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. It’s hard to even think about this movie without getting drowsy, as 2017’s most disappointing movie is also its most boring. Michael Fassbender takes a nap for two hours and leaves the audience to watch a film never come together the way it is promised. The title is totally misleading, the murder mystery never gets interesting, and the final twist is so ridiculous that it woke me from my coma and left me in a pit of rage.
The first zero of 2017, and for good reason, “Rings” takes the cake as the worst horror film of the year, as it is the dumbest, the slowest, and the least interesting. Leonard from “Big Bang Theory” does his best, but it is nowhere near enough for this confusing mess of a plot that doesn’t make a lick of sense. The ending is a joy to watch, as these poor little filmmakers really thought they had the goods to make a sequel, and the amount of exposition and plot they shove into the final five minutes is exceptional, and had my sides hurting in laughter. Oh yeah, the trailer is almost completely a lie, as the vast majority of the clips are either not in the movie at all, or in the very last scene of the movie. Marketing at its finest, ladies and gents.
2.) “Transformers: The Last Knight”
The runner-up is a 155-minute catastrophe that felt like six hours. Yes, I am talking about Michael Bay’s most recent abomination to cinema, and wow, this might be his worst yet. The plot moves soooooooooo sloooooooooooooow that I lost all interest within the first 15 minutes, and after that I still had a whole TWO HOURS TO GO. The visuals aren’t enough to save this sorry ass franchise, not anymore. The story is stupid and childish, as is Michael Bay’s third-grade humor, and, though I just love being lied to, maybe you should have made Optimus turn evil for more than two minutes, or maybe you should have made the final fight something that isn’t vomit inducing. I just want this franchise to die, because there is no end in sight as long as a Bay movie is on the horizon.
1.) “The Emoji Movie”
It had to be “The Emoji Movie,” it just had to be. I don’t care that it is made for kids, I don’t care that it isn’t made for me, I don’t care. What I do care is that this movie has a blatant disregard for the intelligence of children by treating them as morons, and by cashing in on ever advertisement that came their way. Dropbox, Spotify, Just Dance, you should all be ashamed of yourselves, as there is not a glimmer of happiness to be found anywhere in this movie. Every attempt at comedy sounds like a three-year-old wrote it out of his boogers, every character annoyed me beyond belief, and the message of a gif saving a relationship just makes me want to quit reviewing movies altogether. No matter what terrible movie came out this year, nothing could compare to the pain and suffering that “The Emoji Movie” caused.
What was your least favorite movie in 2017? Comment below with your thoughts.