“Fifty Shades Freed” is 50,000 Shades of Absolute Garbage

fifty shades of ass

WARNING: NSFW, I can’t hold back all profanity through my rage

“Fifty Shades Freed” is directed by James Foley and stars Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, and Eric Johnson. This film is the third and final installment in this absolutely terrible “Fifty Shades” trilogy based on the “Twilight” fan-fiction novels by E.L. James, and it is about Anastasia and Christian getting married, which creates classic rich white people drama, but then it all gets threatened as Jack Hyde (get it, like the novel? Because he’s a bad guy? Hahahaha) shows up to get revenge on the both of them.

I had no hope that this movie was going to be good. The first two movies in this franchise have been complete turds, the characters are beyond unlikable, and this trailer looked to potentially be the stupidest movie for the trilogy yet, so no, I did not come in with a single anticipation, but hey, maybe I could be pleasantly surprised then.

The Good

There’s one handcuff joke I liked.

The Bad

Oh man, if you thought the first two of these abominations were bad, “Fifty Shades Freed” somehow manages to do the impossible and be significantly worse than both of them. This movie, even more than the two before it, has absolutely no damn clue what it wants to do in terms of its characters, the plot, the fucking tone, or literally anything else that makes a movie a movie.

Usually, it’s hard to blame the actors in terrible movies, but Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan are both atrocious in these films, and even more so with “Freed” over here. Johnson has no charisma at all, and when sharing the screen with Dornan, who is soul-suckingly dull while also overacting every single piece of dialogue, the two are just a combination that can poison your soul. Besides the performances, the duo shares no chemistry at all, no matter how much they kiss loudly into the mic or no matter how many times they clumsily say “I love you” without even a sliver of feeling put into it.

Don’t you worry, the shitty doesn’t stop at Mr. and Mrs. Grey, oh no, because Eric Johnson as Jack Hyde is hysterically awful. This character is the epitome of underdeveloped, even after two films full of attempts, and Johnson’s performance, which is loud, annoying, and ridiculous, does not help to add any of the tension to the scenes he is in.

The acting is one thing entirely, but the script? Woof. I don’t want to put all the blame on Niall Leonard, whose screenplay is absolute shit, because his source material is a total trash heap, but man, there have to be some changes that could have been made to make these conversations feel even a little real. Anastasia and Christian clumsily discuss sexual things, then clumsily discuss marital problems, and it all eventually leads to each of them saying some of the worst, cringy bullshit I have ever heard in my entire life.

Moving forward, what genre does this movie want to be? I mean holy shit, this thing is a total mess. Half the time, it’s a terrible romance drama with non-kinky, non-interesting sex scenes thrown in, but the other half is this weird, equally terrible mystery thriller with literally zero tension, no build-up, and no common sense. I mean what the fuck is that scene where Anastasia turns into Vin Diesel from “Fast and the Furious”? How the hell did that make it through edits? Or can we talk about the holes and the convoluted nonsense that goes on between Jack Hyde and the Grey’s? It’s all incredibly dumb, and if even one simple-minded human being looked this over, this movie could have picked a tone and stuck with it. Instead, we have this dumpster fire mess of a movie that can’t stay on track if its life depended on it.

Let’s talk about the plot more, shall we? Most of it feels like a five-year-old watched one Lifetime movie and then thought they knew how romance worked, which may have been E.L. James’ secret to success, who knows, but for most of the world, the issues are some of the dumbest, pettiest things to get in arguments about. Oh, you didn’t switch your last name to Grey within a week of being married? Oh, you are mad I didn’t listen to once? Divorce time, baby. This shit is so childish and so fucking stupid that it felt insulting that I had to sit in this vile of garbage for so long.

Somehow this is the shortest movie in the trilogy, but at 105 minutes, it’s about 80 minutes too long. The vast majority of the movie is completely pointless as these two shit heads go back and forth with who is more of an asshole, and that just never gets interesting, and it left me dreadfully bored from beginning to end.

Conclusion

“Fifty Shades Freed” is an abomination, not just to film, but to anyone who has eyes or ears. This is a poorly directed, horrendously written, terribly acted piece of shit that is trying to be two movies at once, and instead fails to be even a tad cohesive, or interesting, or entertaining at all. The first two are bad, but this one is historically bad, one that could only have been conceived by people who have never seen a movie in their life, or by people who think so lowly of their target audience that they are okay with throwing shit on the screen and seeing if it sticks. The worst part of it all? I didn’t get turned on, not in the slightest. Silver lining? This is the last one in the trilogy, so I may never have to go through a movie this terrible again, and I doubt there will be a worse film in 2018, as almost nothing can be as truly bad as “Fifty Shades Freed.”

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No trailer

Don’t see it.

I won’t ask you what you thought, just don’t see it.


One thought on ““Fifty Shades Freed” is 50,000 Shades of Absolute Garbage

  1. I guess we will have to agree to disagree. This movie really got me feelin sum typa way! Lol but yeah I really enjoyed this movie for the emotional conviction displayed through the two characters that I enjoy getting to know more about.

    Like

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